Strips
Tall Tank Tales
Snicket’s Orphans
In a post-apocalyptic world one sees a lot of adversity as opposed to diversity. Two words that mean one rarely sees three children walking calmly down a dirty trail in the Outback after a comet had entirely wiped out a way of life. Nary a one of ’em even had a gun for Christ’s sake!
Tank Girl and Booga were rarely at a loss for words. In fact they could editorialize virtually any situation in their own unique fashion. But the three wandering children brought them to an aural standstill - for a moment.
"What the fuck is this," cried Tanky.
"Those are children, Dear. Think of them as small adults".
"Shut up Booga," she retorted, "I know WHAT they are. I want to know WHY they are here!"
The tank came to a halt as our two heroes took turns with a spyglass - eyeing the three kids. There was a tall girl, a short boy and what looked like a baby crawling along with them. The tallest one, the girl, didn’t look much older than fifteen - if that. Strangely they were all dressed in nice new clothes - not the sort of rags one often sees in these parts, but actual real clothes! Very odd, they both agreed.
Tanks are basically vehicles. Not the sort that you would take to the corner store to buy a can of soup, but it is technically a mode of transportation. However, tanks can also be scary when encountered by three small children. In a brief bout of kindness, Booga and Tanky climbed down from the tank and walked toward the children who seemed completely oblivious to the tank. Oblivious is a word that means the children’s minds were so sharply focused that they could easily have been run over by the tank before ever hearing it approach.
"Hi kids", Booga called, "I’m Booga and this is my wife/friend/bitch Tank Girl".
The boy wanted to say, "Oh my god, it’s a talking Kangaroo," but that would be rude and Klaus had been raised to be polite. So instead he said, "Hello, I’m Klaus and we are pleased to know that we are not alone out here."
Getting right to business, Tanky inquired, "Do you have ammo, cigarettes, beer or any incendiary devices?"
Klaus, who enjoyed reading and researching all subjects, recalled reading a book about incendiary devices so he was quite certain they had none of these items - and nodded, no.
"Fuck," the tall angry woman snarled.
"She’s much nicer than she appears," Booga reassured the kids and rolling his eyes.
"My name is Violet Baudelaire and this is my brother Klaus and our sister Sunny," the tall girl replied.
"Griggley," Sunny said, which probably meant something like, "It’s nice to make your acquaintance even though you use foul language." This is a rough guess as babies ordinarily have very little to say.
"Well, whoever you are, we’d be much happier if you had some basic supplies," Tanky uttered.
"I’m an inventor," Violet stated, "Perhaps I could make some of the items you need."
"Wonderful," Tanky smiled, "I’d like a carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes, a case of beer and seven bombs. Get cracking little one, we haven’t got all day."
"Come along kids," Booga called, "Lets all get aboard our tank."
The Baudelairs were polite children from the city and hardly accustomed to filthy surroundings or going anywhere in a tank. However, they had endured quite a strange series of unfortunate events that left them in the Outback, so they quickly boarded the tank as though this was a perfectly normal thing to do. Inside the metal beast, curiosity got the best of all present and questions flew from the circumstance behind finding pleasantly dressed children in the desert to how to drive a tank. At the end, they seemed to reach enough common ground to accommodate one another and travel together... for a while at least. Tanky and Booga explained the post-apocalyptic disaster they had endured and the Baudelairs told of the fire that killed their parents, leaving them orphans who were trying to evade an evil man who wanted to steal their fortune.
The word fortune made Tank Girl and her fuzzy lover much more interested in the kids than previously. The children told the tale of their evil relative, Count Olaf, and his many failed plans to steal the money that the orphan’s parents had left to them. Violet would inherit the fortune when she came of age. Presently, she was fourteen.
Booga and Tank Girl seemed to be in a perpetual state of disorder, a term that means they never knew what the fuck they were doing and just took life as it came to them. The Baudelairs on the other hand, were keen and clever when it came to knowledge. Our moronic heroes were the same way, but only when it came to fighting off an enemy (or perceived enemy). Together, this odd pairing of people might just work out for the best.
At this point let me warn you that although it seems as though the orphans have been rescued, they are far from safe and even farther from living the happy lives that children should. You may want to click over to another story or just buy a book of happy poems, but if you read further, know that the tale of these sweet and resourceful orphans will take a turn for the worst.
As I write this, I recall a time when my life took a turn for the worst. A phrase, which does not mean that my life left a main thoroughfare and cascaded down a mountainside like a runaway wagon on fire, but rather that something bad happened, and then a wonderful woman rescued me from all that ailed me. Anyway...
Tank girl is a tough sort of gal - a no nonsense, badass chick. Still, it seemed as though she took a fond view toward the orphans and a keen interest in this Olaf character who has chased them through a series of children’s books written by a man using a fake name so parents who purchase his books for their children will not associate him with the salacious literary works from his past. But as we know Tanky and Booga always show interest in people who allege to have a fortune. The orphans explained to Tanky and Booga that Olaf had been trying to steal their fortune ever since their parents died in a terrible fire.
"Count Olaf is trying to hide us out here in the desert until Violet comes of age and can inherit our parent’s fortune," Klaus stated in a sad tone. "He thinks he can just take our fortune if no one knows where we are".
"Well, we know where you are and we have guns," concluded Tanky after hearing more about Olaf.
"He does sound like a pest, to say the least," Booga offered.
"Wuligalopigus, " added Sunny, which probably meant, "he’s a complete fucking asshole and we wish he was dead".
Our heroes certainly were not scoundrels or the sort of folks who would steal a fortune from young orphans, but they did like a good mission. It sounded as though killing Olaf would be worth at least a bit of this fortune. Fair is fair they thought and set off to beat some sense into Olaf, a phrase which means shoot him until he stops breathing, rather than trying to bolster his IQ by hitting him with a brick.
Violet and Klaus warned that Olaf was very clever and had fooled many adults with his treachery. Sunny concurred in her usual incoherent way. Booga rolled his eyes feeling that Olaf’s treachery was no match for a really sharp knife or a gun. Children did not understand these sorts of thing - at least not proper children and the Baudelairs were extremely proper. Tanky understood guns and such and was aching to blow away Olaf and reap a deserved reward.
The remaining question was where to find him. Their first thought was that everyone loves beer; why not look in the local pub? Ya never know. There was a town - or what constitutes a town these days - about eight miles away. Off they went. The children felt as though a pub would be the last place Olaf would be hiding, but they were to polite - and a bit frightened - to say this aloud.
After driving all night and visiting a myriad of pubs, Tanky and Booga were drunk and no closer to finding Count Olaf than they were to finding a Marriott with a sumptuous pool and accompanying tennis court. The children were worried that if they did encounter Olaf, these two would be much too drunk to react and help. What the children did not know was that these two were at their peak performance after guzzling a case of beer.
Racing drunkenly across the tundra in the tank, Klaus and Violet took turns looking for Olaf via the tank’s periscope. It was dirty and the lens cracked, but it passed the time if nothing else. Just as Tanky cried out, "Good Christ!" Violet saw the same thing she did in the periscope. They saw a lanky man with one long eyebrow running down the road.
"It’s Count Olaf," cried Violet giving a worried glance to Klaus and Sunny.
"Look at that scraggly bastard," marveled Tanky looking at Klaus, "Sure is a lanky one, eh?"
"I guess he could be described that way," Klaus agreed trying to be diplomatic.
"Well sure he could. Look at that lanky fucker run!" she screamed through an evil grin.
It was true. Olaf was on the run - as are most people who see a large tank approaching them at high speed. In situations like this most people are fearing for their lives. Especially those who know Tank Girl and Booga. However, Olaf was out of his element, a phrase that means he was far from home and being chased down a dirt road by a large tank. The tank was gaining on him quickly - very quickly. So quickly that it was necessary for Tanky to decide whether to just run him over or speak with him briefly prior to shooting him.
She opted for the latter mainly due to curiosity. The children had hoped they would just run him over even though the all knew that was not a nice thing to do. Even Sunny knew that, but she would have been ok with it.
Booga hit the brakes; the tank came to a halt and Tanky jumped down. About thirty feet from Olaf who was now bent over wheezing from running for his life, Tanky picked up a rock and hurled to towards him. Crafty lady that she was, the rock hit the Count square in the head, a phrase that does not imply he had a square head, but rather the rock took out a fair chunk of his head as it impacted with his skull.
He was flat on the ground and not moving. His lack of movement was partly due to his recent head wound and partly because Booga was setting up the bar-b-q grill for dinner and conveniently pinned Olaf’s legs underneath it. Actually it was never made clear if Booga did this on purpose to hold Olaf captive or if he simply had food on his mind.
Either way, Olaf wound up with a lot of ketchup and cooking grease splattered on him. Some of the grease seemed to scald him, which is something he would have given more attention to had it not been for the large pistol that Tanky had pointed at this forehead. And her interrogation began as the Baudelair orphans watched in utter amazement.
These children, despite all the adults that had tried to help them, had never encountered anyone who could take charge. Mostly, they had never encountered anyone who would believe that Olaf was evil or anyone who could stop him regardless.